This week on my podcast I’m interviewing Toni Bentley, author of “The Surrender: An Erotic Memoir.” Her book is the extraordinary story of a series of sexual experiences that were transformational and transcendent.  As we talked openly about her experience I was struck by the thought that we were openly discussing things that most people consider too private to be spoken aloud.

Why is it that talking about sexual experiences is taboo? Who made this rule and who does it serve? If I take my partner out for a great meal at a really fancy restaurant, the next day I’m going to tell all my friends about it. I’m going to describe the room, the linens and table service, the wait staff. I’m going to talk, in detail about each dish we ordered, how it was prepared, what it tasted like. I’ll talk about how much time we spent and how romantic it was.

Our experience at the restaurant may be deeply intimate and nurturing, a loving personal experience of delight that we shared. And most people will be happy to hear the details and, frequently, volunteer details about similar experiences they’ve had. Some will even suggest that next time we do it with another couple as a foursome.

Now just imagine that scenario again, but this time make it about a sexual experience we had instead of a dining experience. Suddenly, it’s too private, it’s impolite to talk about such things, it’s embarrassing, or my kids will say, it’s TMI!

Whatever the origins of this taboo, I’m resisting the dominant paradigm and declaring our right to be shame-less. When we joyfully talk about sex and sexuality we acknowledge that we are sexual beings- and to be human is to have been born a sexual being in a sexual body. When we talk about sex we dramatically decrease the spread of sexually transmitted infections. When we listen to close friends talk about sex we open the door to hearing about experiences that may broaden our own sexual horizons.

In today’s world, where it seems like every topic imaginable (and some that are unimaginable) is talked about on afternoon TV, maybe it is time for all of us to take a risk, push through our shame, and discover the intimacy that grows when we share our deepest joys and sadnesses with our dearest friends.