I’ve been reading a lot on the subject of evolution, especially regarding human sexuality. As I understand it everything in the Universe is in a constant state of change. Physicists and biologists have posited that this change appears to move in the direction from simple to complex. In other words, over time, everything is evolving, including our understanding and awareness of the process of evolution.

From a physics point of view, everything that exists is some combination of matter and energy. Harnessing that energy is the goal of the designers of electric power plants, nuclear bomb makers, designers of engines. Describing the nature of that energy is much of what preoccupies the modern physicist. In plain English we are talking about the energy that draws objects towards each other, the forces that hold planets in orbit, the negative charges chasing positive charges that we call electro-magnetism, whatever it is that causes smaller objects to “fall” towards larger objects, the forces that keep atoms from spinning apart – in other words “attraction”. Objects attract and systems get more complex. (My apology to the scientists reading this, I know I’m generalizing and that exceptions abound.)

Brian Swimme, a physicist and cosmologist, writes and teaches about the nature of the cosmos. Recently he and I chatted about this thing I’m calling attraction. Brian believes that there is an evolutionary benefit for humans developing and expressing love. As I understand it, Swimme believes that we’ve evolved to become the mechanism by which attraction becomes conscious, we are the part of the universe that is aware of attraction at a spiritual level. I think he means that our very purpose here in the Universe is to love and be loved!

Any of you who have attended workshops (led by me and others) from the Human Awareness Institute (HAI, founded by Stan Dale) know that some of our core beliefs include that every human being is born pure love. Everything we do can be seen as an act of love or a cry for love. Everyone deserves love.

Now I know that this is not just a good idea, it’s the Universal law!

Most people are born “knowing” they are either male or female…and many are born “knowing” the gender of their body doesn’t match the gender they “know” they are. If you are in the latter group, the transsexual and/or intersexed (perhaps as many as 3 million Americans), one of the first lessons you must learn is that the first group - those whose personality, genitals and outlook all align as male or female - seem to be in charge and, for all intents and purposes, deny your existence.

If you are reading the above and wondering the ways you deny the existence of people whose gender does not neatly fit into our categories of male and female consider these examples that most people never even think about:

-There are Men’s and Women’s categories in the Olympics, what if I’m neither or both?

-I’m a woman trapped in a man’s body, can I enroll in a Women’s College?

-At a sports arena, when I need to pee, which room is meant for me?

-Which clothing department in Macy’s is meant for me?

I saw a terrific article about the challenges for transgendered students at Women’s Colleges (and the challenges for the College Administrators). And I just interviewed Jamison Green, a fascinating and articulate advocate, author and activist in the field of transgender policy, theory and education.

I believe that in the not so distant future people will look back at our attitudes about gender at the end of the Twentieth Century and see them very much as we now look back to Nineteenth Century attitudes about race.

We once believed, and many scientists found “evidence” to support the beliefs that the color of people’s skin meant something about their intelligence, abilities, their very humanity. The typical (white) 19th Century writer, intellectual, civic leader accepted common wisdom that wasn’t wisdom at all, just bias. Our laws, mores, customs and attitudes were exclusionary and mean-spirited. We were so very wrong.

Today, too many of us believe that there are two genders - male and female - and that people who believe they are otherwise are confused, sick or some kind of freak of nature. I believe we will come to see that what we accept as common wisdom isn’t wisdom at all, just bias. We will see that our laws, mores, customs and attitudes are exclusionary and mean-spirited, perhaps unintentionally, but mean-spirited nonetheless.

So many of us are so very wrong.

This week on my podcast I’m interviewing Toni Bentley, author of “The Surrender: An Erotic Memoir.” Her book is the extraordinary story of a series of sexual experiences that were transformational and transcendent.  As we talked openly about her experience I was struck by the thought that we were openly discussing things that most people consider too private to be spoken aloud.

Why is it that talking about sexual experiences is taboo? Who made this rule and who does it serve? If I take my partner out for a great meal at a really fancy restaurant, the next day I’m going to tell all my friends about it. I’m going to describe the room, the linens and table service, the wait staff. I’m going to talk, in detail about each dish we ordered, how it was prepared, what it tasted like. I’ll talk about how much time we spent and how romantic it was.

Our experience at the restaurant may be deeply intimate and nurturing, a loving personal experience of delight that we shared. And most people will be happy to hear the details and, frequently, volunteer details about similar experiences they’ve had. Some will even suggest that next time we do it with another couple as a foursome.

Now just imagine that scenario again, but this time make it about a sexual experience we had instead of a dining experience. Suddenly, it’s too private, it’s impolite to talk about such things, it’s embarrassing, or my kids will say, it’s TMI!

Whatever the origins of this taboo, I’m resisting the dominant paradigm and declaring our right to be shame-less. When we joyfully talk about sex and sexuality we acknowledge that we are sexual beings- and to be human is to have been born a sexual being in a sexual body. When we talk about sex we dramatically decrease the spread of sexually transmitted infections. When we listen to close friends talk about sex we open the door to hearing about experiences that may broaden our own sexual horizons.

In today’s world, where it seems like every topic imaginable (and some that are unimaginable) is talked about on afternoon TV, maybe it is time for all of us to take a risk, push through our shame, and discover the intimacy that grows when we share our deepest joys and sadnesses with our dearest friends.

The other day my friend Norm Whiteside was doodling around with a pen and pad and came up with this:

C-Complete

O-Open

U-United

P-Passionate

L-Loving

E-Energetic

S-Sex

According to Helen Fisher, in her book “Romantic Passion: A Universal Experience” in 1992 a pair of anthropologist surveyed 166 contemporary cultures and found evidence of romantic love in 147 cases (the remaining 19 were actually the result of the anthropologists failing to ask the right questions). She concludes that romantic love is a “human universal”.

Loving and being loved is our birthright, every child deserves love and we never out grow it. When we find our beloved we often feel “completed.” As we create trust and honesty we open to each other, uniting our hearts and minds with each other.

In our body love produces changes in our hormones, fueling our passion. As the passion deepens infatuation ripens to deep, abiding love. And all those endorphins and oxytocin release reserves of energy. And as an expression of our passion, love, and energy we have sex - Sacred Energy Exchange.

Thanks Norm.