“Analysis is the way of the mind, hugging is the way of the heart. The mind is the cause of all diseases, and the heart is the source of all healing.” Osho (The Wild Geese and the Water #4, 1981)

A hug. How simple and direct. It is greeting and farewell. Invited, it can be an act of surprising intimacy. Uninvited, it can be an act of violation. We humans, we hunger for connection, for belonging. Separation is painful. We long to bridge the chasm of aloneness, and very few actions are as effective in bridging that chasm as a simple hug.

According to an article I read from the National Institutes of Health (NIH), when a person hugs, a substance called oxytocin, sometimes called “the love hormone”, is released in the brain. As I understand it, the oxytocin promotes feelings of generosity, affection, sexual arousal, and trust, as well as social bonding. Oxytocin levels increase during sexuality and orgasm, as well as during hugging, holding and kissing.
Psychologists and sociologists speculate that humans have always hugged, and that, hugging promoted trust, thus leading towards the pair bonding humans have needed for procreation and child-rearing.

By the way, the NIH also claimed hugging reduces stress levels and blood pressure. So maybe in addition to that “apple a day”, we would do well to have at least one hug a day to “keep the doctor away.” And, as noted American author and psychotherapist Virginia Satir once coached:
“We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.”

Here’s some data on extramarital sex from Jared Diamond, UCLA professor, Pulitzer Prize-winning author, and winner of the National Medal of Science:

“People have many reasons to lie when asked whether they have committed adultery. That’s why it is notoriously difficult to get accurate scientific information about this important subject. One of the few existing sets of hard facts emerged as a totally unexpected by-product of a medical study, performed nearly a half a century ago for a different reason. That study’s findings have never been revealed until now.

“I recently learned those facts from the distinguished medical scientist who ran the study. (Since he does not wish to be identified in this connection, I shall refer to him as Dr. X.) In the 1940s Dr. X was studying the genetics of human blood groups, which are molecules we acquire only by inheritance. … The study’s research plan was straightforward: go to the obstetrics ward of a highly respectable U.S. hospital; collect blood samples from one thousand newborn babies and their mothers and fathers; identify the blood groups in all the samples; and then use standard genetic reasoning to deduce the inheritance patterns.

“To Dr. X’s shock, the blood groups revealed that nearly 10 percent of those babies to be the fruits of adultery! … There could be no question of mistaken maternity: the blood samples were drawn from an infant and its mother soon after the infant emerged from its mother. A blood group present in a baby but absent from its undoubted mother could only have come from its father. Absence of the blood group from the mother’s husband as well showed conclusively that the baby had been sired by some other man, extramaritally. The true incidence of extramarital sex must have been considerably higher than 10 percent … since most bouts of intercourse do not result in conception.

“At the time Dr. X made his discovery, research on American sexual habits was virtually taboo. He decided to maintain a prudent silence, never publishing his findings, and it was only with difficulty that I got his permission to mention his results without betraying his name. However, his results were later confirmed by several similar genetic studies whose results did get published. Those studies variously showed between 5 and 30 percent of American and British babies to have been adulterously conceived. Again, the proportion of the tested couples of whom at least the wife had practiced adultery must have been higher, for the same … reasons as in Dr. X’s study.”

Jared Diamond, The Third Chimpanzee, Harper Perennial, Copyright 1992 by Jared Diamond, pp. 85-86.

This Valentines Day here’s some great ideas:

-Kiss people you love (with their permission).

-Offer hugs.

-Find out what your partner wants and give it.

-Kiss the feet of your beloved.

-As long as you are already kissing feet, kiss all the way up to the face (with permission).

-Write a love poem to your beloved.

-Flirt with people you sometimes overlook.

-Flirt with everyone else.

-Smile and make eye contact, especially with people you usually ignore.
-Distribute sweet things to people you feel sweetly towards.-Give flowers to someone.

-Send “eCards” to people.

-Leave loving voice mail messages.

-Text love notes to people.

-Compliment, appreciate, acknowledge everyone.

-Then compliment, appreciate, acknowledge even more.

-Say the words “I love you”, out loud, to someone you love.

-Listen to your lover, without interupting, for as long as they’d like.

-Make love (that may or may not include having sex).

According to NPR, today begins International Flirting Week, the week that includes Valentines Day - the high point of the flirting season. Coincidentally, it is also Random Acts of Kindness Week. They go together nicely, don’t you think?

At a workshop I co-lead titled Love, Intimacy & Sexuality, the topic of flirting often comes up. Is flirting the same as seduction? Is it insincere? Predatory? Inappropriate?

According to Wikipedia “Flirting is a form of human interaction, usually expressing a sexual or romantic interest in the other person. It can consist of conversation, body language, or brief physical contact. It may be one-sided or reciprocated.”

My only goal in flirting is to share a smile and a sense of mutual desirability with someone. When I get any response that tells me my flirting is not welcome, I stop, and sometimes apologize for making the person uncomfortable. That’s pretty rare, though. Most of the time the person I’m flirting with smiles, and often flirts back. It’s a momentary event, with no future, no strings. It’s a moment to savor. One of the small delights of being, as one of my friends says, a love-based life-form and a sexual being - surrounded by other love-based life-forms and sexual beings.

And, IMO, it is an act of kindness as well.

Happy Flirting Week!

When I think about the question of how to make love stay I find myself pondering 5 key concepts and their interrelationships: Love, Commitment, Freedom, Service and Joy.

It’s a web of Love, Commitment, Freedom, Service and Joy. Each leads to the other. All lead to heaven….