I was talking to Barry W. McCarthy, PhD, certified marital and sex therapist, about relationships and sexuality, and he used a 5 gear transmission, like the shifter on a car, as a metaphor for men’s sexuality.

Here are Dr. McCarthy’s 5 Gears of Sex:

1) First Gear - affectionate touching: Hand-holding, peck-on-the-cheek, quick hugs, etc.

2) Second Gear - sensual touching: cuddling, kissing, massage (does not include genital touching)
3) Third Gear - playful touching: erotic massage, playing in the bath or shower (includes genital touching)

4) Fourth Gear - Erotic touch (non-intercourse): manual and oral stimulation of erogenous zones including genitals

5) Fifth Gear - Erotic genital to genital touch (intercourse)

Dr. McCarthy thinks that 15-20% of sex with partners in their 50’s, 60’s and above never get past fourth gear. But is that a problem? If we are having a terrific sexy experience, isn’t that the point of our erotic connection? Does sex always mean intercourse?

I think the most important sex organ in a human being is between the ears, not between the legs. Our thoughts, expectations and beliefs about sex can often be the biggest obstacle to enjoying sex. Every time I drive my car I don’t always put it in fifth gear, and I love to drive! (…and I mean that both literally and metaphorically).