Interviewing Linda Marks, author of “Healing the War Between the Genders” I came away wondering about our notions of gender. For many of us the idea of “male” and “female” seems innate - it feels like we were born one or the other, have always known it, recognize it in others, experience humans as two flavors: Male or Female.

Yet many of us have experiences that challenge this belief in gender polarity - perhaps as a boy-child we preferred playing with dolls to playing with trucks, perhaps as a girl-child we liked football a lot more than dancing - but most of us just ignore these experiences to persist in the belief that one is either male or female.

And science has abundant examples of people born with chromosomes that are neither xx or xy, but xxy and xyy (sometimes called “intersexed”). Throughout all of recorded history there have always been homosexual humans. And, as far as I can tell, there have always existed “transgendered” people - cross-dressers, female personalities “trapped” in male bodies and vice versa, etc.
I read somewhere (but can’t find a citation on the internet) that some Native American tribes believed that humans came in seven genders - hetero male, hetero female, gay male, lesbian female, shaman, transsexual, and dancer. Also, that in the Bantu language there are seven genders.

Andrea Dworkin, an author known for her controversial beliefs about sexual politics, once wrote that “the system of gender polarity is real but not true.” I think in generations to come we will look back at this idea of only two genders as the kind of misinformation and prejudice that had us once believe that the color of a person’s skin determined their character.

It all reminds me of a song by Peter Alsop I used to sing a lot:

As soon as you’re born, grownups check were you pee
And then they decide just how you’re s’posed to be
Girls pink and quiet, boys noisy and blue
seems like a dumb way to choose what you’ll do

Well it’s only a wee wee, so what’s the big deal?
It’s only a wee wee, so what’s all the fuss?
It’s only a wee wee and everyone’s got one
There’s better things to discuss

“Physical attraction itself may literally be based on smell” according to Dr. Rachel Herz in a fascinating article in Psychology Today. If I understand it correctly, it’s all about a set of genes known as MHC, or major histocompatibility complex, that communicate about someone’s immune system. We appear to be biologically programmed to mate with partners who will bring some (but not all) new and different strengths to the immune system of our children. Thus, each generation of human will be a little more disease resistant than the preceding generation.

BTW, everyone’s MHC profile is unique, so there is no perfect smell that everyone will be biologically attracted to. And, there are a lot of other, non-scent related factors that come into play when we look at “attraction”.

Women seem to be more sensitive to this than men, which also makes sense biologically, given a 40,000 year pattern of women being more responsible than men for the care of children.

You knew all this already, didn’t you? That’s why you like to bury your face in your partner’s hair and just inhale, or smell his tee-shirt when you are about to do a load of wash. Because your nose knows.

Want to hear more about Dr. Rachel Herz?  Listen to my podcast on the Personal Life Media Network. 

Here comes Valentines Day again (Feb. 14). The day is named for a certain St. Valentine, a priest in ancient Rome who was martyred for secretly performing weddings against emperor Claudius II’s laws. It’s said he fell in love with his jailer’s daughter, sending her letters signed “from your Valentine”. It’s also said that none of that is true.

Before anyone named Valentine even existed, the Romans celebrated fertility at Lupercalia on February 15. Guys dressed in loin clothes and ran around swatting people, especially young wives, with strips of goatskin to promote fertility…I think.

Chaucer really invented the Valentines Day we know in his “Parliament of Fowls” poem, claiming that the birds came together to mate and sing on St. Valentines day. At least that’s what the scholars say.

Me I just like an “official” day to celebrate love. Actually, I like every day to be a celebration of love. I believe that human beings, if they have any purpose at all, are meant to bring consciousness and expression to the love that abounds in this universe. That’s what we’re here for. To love and be love and witness love…and to know it, sing about it, celebrate it.

I’ll be celebrating it by leading a weekend Couples Workshop at one of my favorite places on this planet - Harbin Hot Springs, in Northern California. And I’ll be buying jewelry and flowers for my sweetie. Because I like to, because I like to see her face when she receives them. Because I like the way I feel when I give to her.

This year I’m trying something new. One of my podcast sponsors is Ice.com and they’re offering a great deal to my readers and listeners - 20% off when you use the promo code LOVE. I recommend choosing a heart pendant – it’s the perfect give to express your love for Valentine’s Day. The prices range from $2,000 to a little as $75 and you get the 20% discount when you use my promo code LOVE.

I’d choose a white gold pave diamond heart pendant or she might like yellow diamonds with yellow gold. ICE.com has emeralds, pink sapphires and my favorite – heart-shaped gems. Try a sparking red ruby or blue topaz in the shape of a heart. If you have kids, a multi-heart pendant is sweet.

ICE.com offers a money-back guarantee and you save 20% off your order with promo code LOVE. Let me know how much she loves it, and you. Happy Valentine’s Day.

I was talking to Barry W. McCarthy, PhD, certified marital and sex therapist, about relationships and sexuality, and he used a 5 gear transmission, like the shifter on a car, as a metaphor for men’s sexuality.

Here are Dr. McCarthy’s 5 Gears of Sex:

1) First Gear - affectionate touching: Hand-holding, peck-on-the-cheek, quick hugs, etc.

2) Second Gear - sensual touching: cuddling, kissing, massage (does not include genital touching)
3) Third Gear - playful touching: erotic massage, playing in the bath or shower (includes genital touching)

4) Fourth Gear - Erotic touch (non-intercourse): manual and oral stimulation of erogenous zones including genitals

5) Fifth Gear - Erotic genital to genital touch (intercourse)

Dr. McCarthy thinks that 15-20% of sex with partners in their 50’s, 60’s and above never get past fourth gear. But is that a problem? If we are having a terrific sexy experience, isn’t that the point of our erotic connection? Does sex always mean intercourse?

I think the most important sex organ in a human being is between the ears, not between the legs. Our thoughts, expectations and beliefs about sex can often be the biggest obstacle to enjoying sex. Every time I drive my car I don’t always put it in fifth gear, and I love to drive! (…and I mean that both literally and metaphorically).