At the HAI weekend Love, Intimacy and Sexuality workshops I often hear people talk about how they think they are “supposed” to be or behave. I listen as people worry that their sexual likes and dislikes somehow are improper or invalid.

“I’m a lesbian so I should like (fill in the blank), but I don’t like it, so what’s wrong with me?” “I’m definitely hetero but I fantasies of (fill in the blank), so I guess I’m a (fill in the blank).”

Albert Ellis, psychologist and father of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, called it “shoulding on yourself“. Inside of us we carry so many messages about how we should be. Want to hear some of your own beliefs? Complete the following sentences right off the top of you head (don’t think too much, just say the first thing that comes to mind.)

When it comes to sex, men should…

When it comes to sex, women should…

When it comes to sex, men should not…

When it comes to sex, women should not…

When it comes to sex, gay men should..

When it comes to sex, gay men should not…

When it comes to sex, lesbians should…

When it comes to sex, lesbians should not…

I could keep going but I think you get the idea. We get programmed by our parents, teachers, peers and the very culture itself.

I believe that every human being’s sexuality is as unique as their face or fingerprints. There are strong similarities to others and compatibilities with others, but no two people have identical sexuality. In the process of labeling our sexuality - straight, gay, monogamous, poly-amorous, promiscuous, etc. - we often limit it.

I see the value in “coming out”, in unashamedly owning our right to be as we are. And I see the value in banding together to ensure or political and social rights. And I see the harm to our self-esteem when, in embracing the label, we begin to “must-erbate“, to “should” all over ourselves.

According to a report on today’s AP wire apparently J. K. Rowling has outed Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts Academy. “…asked by one young fan whether Dumbledore finds ‘true love.’…’Dumbledore is gay,’ the author responded…”

In case you are, like me, one of the few adults in the english-reading world who has never read a Harry Potter book - Dumbledore, Hogwarts, and Harry Potter are all the stuff of a series of novels and movies by the seemingly inexhaustable J.K. Rowling. As she imagines it, Dumbledore (a “good” wizard) had a boy-crush on rival Gellert Grindelwald (a “bad” wizard), whom he later killed in battle. Heartbroken, Dumbldore never loved again.

Nowhere in any of the books is Dumbledore sexual, in any way.  No sexual thoughts are attributed to him.  He spends his life surrounded by attractive, healthy, young adults but gives no indication of having anything but a scholarly interest in them.  What does it mean to say an asexual character is, in fact gay? Does one single adolescent same-gender experience make a person gay?

Sexual orientation is not, in my opinion, a matter of whether or not we have ever engaged in this or that behavior. Nor is it determined by labels that others try to apply to us. Our sexual orientation is what we, ourselves, believe it is. If I believe I’m gay, then I’m gay. If I believe I’m straight, I’m straight. If I believe I’m bi-sexual, I’m bi. Often I think I’m try-sexual…if it’s sexual I’d like to try it!

I know she invented the character but I believe she does not understand his sexual orientation and I’m certain she didn’t ask him.  Like so many, I think Ms. Rowling is too quick to label what she does not understand.

“Whither Desire?” in the Nov/Dec issue of AARP magazine is an interesting article about how to reignite sexual passion when it feels like lust is dying. Anyone in long-term relationship knows that desire shifts and moves over time and sometimes just seems to fade away.

The author, Nancy Wartik suggests six things a person can do to help “wake up” sexuality.

1) Change your mind. Don’t pay attention to the thought that you aren’t in the mood and say “yes” to erotic possibility. I often recommend that clients just get naked and hold each other and see what happens. It’s like yoga - assume the position and the magic will happen.
2) Get a physical and talk to your doctor. If there is a medical problem, find it and, if possible, treat it.

3) Do something different. If you always do what you’ve always done you will always get what you’ve always gotten. Try something new.

4) Say the things you are afraid to say. Confront your fears. All those unspoken feelings become a wall between partners. Make time to say what you are feeling and thinking and listen to your partner’s thoughts and feelings. In my podcast with Dr. Susan Campbell we talk about the healing power of truth-telling.
5) Schedule intimacy and keep to the schedule. When we practice waiting until we’re in the mood the thing we get good at is waiting. Don’t wait, make dates. And if you’re not in the mood when it’s date night - see step 1, above.

6) Get regular exercise. Studies show that regular exercise makes you feel better in your body, feel better about your body, and feel sexier. Get off that couch and take a walk together…every day.

After talking to Barbara Musser about mothers, daughters & sex, I re-read Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence by Rosalind Wiseman and I found this gem. Here are Ms. Wiseman’s elements of an apology:

1. Apologizer must have a genuine understanding of the “crime.”

2. Talk about the apologizer’s actions only.

3. No “last licks” or burying another insult within the apology.

4. Given without qualification (“I wouldn’t have done it if you had just…”)

5. Apologizer and apology must be genuine.

6. Apology’s are given without any expectation of a return apology.

7. Apology’s are given with the understanding they may invoke further recriminations.

Last month I had a difficult time. I was feeling overworked (I led 4 workshops in 4 weeks in 3 different locations). I was having the experience of feeling disappointed and let down by my co-workers, my sweetie, and even the volunteers helping me each weekend. It was clear to me that everyone’s standards were slipping, their attention to detail lapsing, their keeping of agreements getting spotty. I was one unhappy dude.

Towards the end of the month some of my friends, family, coworkers and volunteers were starting to give me feedback that they felt hurt by my attitude. I tried to listen to them but in my head I could hear the blaming them for their unhappiness with me. A dear friend of mine asked me to notice my part in what was happening around me. So I listened to the quiet voice coming up from my heart telling me “Everyone does their best and mostly what everyone wants is your appreciation for their effort…just like you.”

The habit of mind that has me look for what is wrong is alive and well inside me. Under the right circumstances I’ll revert to criticizing myself and others without being fully aware that I’m now in territory that leads to upset, discontent and sadness.

All around me are miracles. Everyone I interact with is an angel. In the Webster’s dictionary angel literally means messenger, so I think we’re all messengers of love, if only I will look for evidence of that. When I direct my attention to the things I’m grateful for, there’s not much time or bandwidth to notice anything else.

As people feel the warmth of my appreciation they move toward me with their service, their skills and their joy. When I seek evidence of how great everyone is, mostly I find evidence of how great everyone truly is.

As I send the gratitude outward I feel good. It is healing to live in appreciation. It is soothing to the heart. In the end, it is my own attitude of gratitude that opens my heart and opens the hearts around me.