I was talking to Alison Armstrong for my podcast and she made a sweeping generalization about men and women that really worked for me.

Before you complain, let me reassure you that I am well aware that each of us is an individual and no generalizations fit everyone. Further, I’m also aware that generalizations can support stereotyping and labeling, both of which get in the way of genuine intimacy. As a philosophy major in college I also learned that generalizations, while appearing logical, are in fact logically invalid.

That said, I find value in classifying and organizing different personality “types.” Learning about Myers-Briggs or the Enneagram helps me see things about people that can be really useful to me as a relationship and personal growth coach.

Enough disclaimer: Alison and I were talking about ways that men’s and women’s communication style differ and she said something like - Men are hunters, conversationally they find a “trail” and, ignoring anything that isn’t helping to follow that trail, they doggedly pursue their objective. Women are gatherers, conversationally they enter an area and wander around exploring, picking up valuable bits and pieces everywhere they look.

Men/hunters, thinking they are helping, regularly coach women/gatherers to stay focused and on track. What the woman really wants and needs is a man who will just wander around with her and occasionally say - Please, tell me more. Women/gatherers, thinking they are helping, ask men/hunters a question, then, when he pauses and thinks about the answer (looking for the trail) she asks him 3 more questions. What a man really wants and needs is a woman who will give him time and space to organize his thoughts so he can find the logic. Alison called it “putting imaginary duct tape over her mouth.”

Having trouble communicating with your honey?  See if this helps.