The question was asked “what does a man (or woman) do about getting his (or her) sexual desires met if his partner exhibits no passion or desire to be affectionate or sexual?”

In my private practice I work with many couples. Some version of this question frequently arises. While there is no one-size-fits-all answer, here is some of what I’ve observed. When I ask the partner who has been accused of not wanting sex whether this is true, it turns out there is often more to the story.

Our sexuality is both simple and complex. Simple-we have hormones and DNA driving us to reproduce. As those hormones fluctuate so do our desires, wants and needs. Complex-our desire for sex is so much more than procreation. We want and need appreciation, affection, loving touch unconditionally offered, hugs and kisses. We want to be courted, flirted with, invited, wooed. Sex isn’t just genitals and orgasm.

Frequently in long term relationships sex has become routine, mechanical and a bit ho-hum. Where once there had been wining, dining, witty conversation and lots of patience, now there is a formula - I touch this, you touch that, I lick here, you lick there, wiggle, wiggle, pop. What happened to the long, passionate kisses? Where did the getting lost in each other’s eyes go? When did we stop being lovers and become sex partners?

I invite my clients to go dancing, go to “Lovers Lane” and neck in the car, rent a classy hotel room. I encourage the couple to break the routine, change the timing, the position, the location. I invite my clients to talk about sexual fantasies and wishes.  I ask every couple to offer their partner a minimum of one appreciation, acknowledgment, or expression of gratitude every day.

If you want your partner to be your lover, perhaps a good place to start would be to become a lover yourself.