I was talking to Alison Armstrong for my podcast and she made a sweeping generalization about men and women that really worked for me.

Before you complain, let me reassure you that I am well aware that each of us is an individual and no generalizations fit everyone. Further, I’m also aware that generalizations can support stereotyping and labeling, both of which get in the way of genuine intimacy. As a philosophy major in college I also learned that generalizations, while appearing logical, are in fact logically invalid.

That said, I find value in classifying and organizing different personality “types.” Learning about Myers-Briggs or the Enneagram helps me see things about people that can be really useful to me as a relationship and personal growth coach.

Enough disclaimer: Alison and I were talking about ways that men’s and women’s communication style differ and she said something like - Men are hunters, conversationally they find a “trail” and, ignoring anything that isn’t helping to follow that trail, they doggedly pursue their objective. Women are gatherers, conversationally they enter an area and wander around exploring, picking up valuable bits and pieces everywhere they look.

Men/hunters, thinking they are helping, regularly coach women/gatherers to stay focused and on track. What the woman really wants and needs is a man who will just wander around with her and occasionally say - Please, tell me more. Women/gatherers, thinking they are helping, ask men/hunters a question, then, when he pauses and thinks about the answer (looking for the trail) she asks him 3 more questions. What a man really wants and needs is a woman who will give him time and space to organize his thoughts so he can find the logic. Alison called it “putting imaginary duct tape over her mouth.”

Having trouble communicating with your honey?  See if this helps.

• Small steps are always enough. –Francis of Asissi

• No one is any stronger or weaker than anyone else. –Sheldon Kopp

• When you practice waiting you get good at waiting. –Chip August
  

• There is no later. –Peter Rengel

• You are who you think you are. –Stan Dale

• You are much more magnificent than you think. –Stan Dale

• Everyone does their best. –Author Unknown
  

• Suffering is optional. – Cheri Huber

• Loving yourself starts with loving yourself, especially when you are not loving yourself. –Stan Dale

• The most important things, each person must do for himself.–Aleister Crowley
  

• There is nothing wrong with you. . – Cheri Huber

• Even when it seems that love is not enough, it sure helps.–Author Unknown
  

• We must learn the power of living with our helplessness. –Sheldon Kopp

• The only victory lies in surrender to oneself. –Sheldon Kopp

• All of the significant battles are waged within the self. –Sheldon Kopp

• No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. –Aesop

• Dare to be naïve. –R. Buckminster Fuller

• You must do the thing you think you cannot do. -Eleanor Roosevelt

• Not to decide is to decide. -Dr. Robert Anthony

• The harder I work the luckier I get. –Samuel Goldwyn
  

• There is no self-growth without discontent. –Chip August
  

• If you don’t like the direction the river is flowing, don’t jump in! –Dr. Robert Anthony

The question was asked “what does a man (or woman) do about getting his (or her) sexual desires met if his partner exhibits no passion or desire to be affectionate or sexual?”

In my private practice I work with many couples. Some version of this question frequently arises. While there is no one-size-fits-all answer, here is some of what I’ve observed. When I ask the partner who has been accused of not wanting sex whether this is true, it turns out there is often more to the story.

Our sexuality is both simple and complex. Simple-we have hormones and DNA driving us to reproduce. As those hormones fluctuate so do our desires, wants and needs. Complex-our desire for sex is so much more than procreation. We want and need appreciation, affection, loving touch unconditionally offered, hugs and kisses. We want to be courted, flirted with, invited, wooed. Sex isn’t just genitals and orgasm.

Frequently in long term relationships sex has become routine, mechanical and a bit ho-hum. Where once there had been wining, dining, witty conversation and lots of patience, now there is a formula - I touch this, you touch that, I lick here, you lick there, wiggle, wiggle, pop. What happened to the long, passionate kisses? Where did the getting lost in each other’s eyes go? When did we stop being lovers and become sex partners?

I invite my clients to go dancing, go to “Lovers Lane” and neck in the car, rent a classy hotel room. I encourage the couple to break the routine, change the timing, the position, the location. I invite my clients to talk about sexual fantasies and wishes.  I ask every couple to offer their partner a minimum of one appreciation, acknowledgment, or expression of gratitude every day.

If you want your partner to be your lover, perhaps a good place to start would be to become a lover yourself.

I’m thinking about forgiveness today. One of my favorite lessons from A Course in Miracles is that forgiveness is the key to happiness. What is forgiveness, anyway? Is it better to forgive and forget? Can most people actually do the “forget” part?

My friend Peter Sandhill likes to say the a good definition of forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better yesterday. Forgiveness involves letting go of past hurts, resentments, and upsets instead of dragging the past into the present.

A lot of people try to forgive conditionally - I’ll forgive you if you promise never to do THAT again. In my experience conditional forgiveness is usually not forgiveness at all. Actually it’s a test. If the one being forgiven stays transgression-free for some unspecified period of time then they will be forgiven. What I see happening is that if the “transgressor” ever does anything even remotely resembling the action that got them in trouble in the first place, the past will be trotted out and used as evidence that they never really deserved forgiveness in the first place.And who is hurt by our refusal to forgive? Does the unforgiven person suffer from our unwillingness to let go? Perhaps, but not I think nearly as much as we suffer holding onto past hurts. Does our refusal to forgive protect us from being hurt again? Or does it in fact inspire our own feelings of hopelessness and impotent anger?

So who deserves forgiveness? Maybe everyone and no one. I think my decision to forgive is my decision to move on, to let go, to stop hurting myself over past behaviors, my own or the behavior of others. I forgive for me, not for the other person.Sometimes we think that someones behavior is “unforgivable”. We vow to never forgive them, usually with high moral indignation. And yet how many of us are Saints or Bodhisattva’s? How many adults are truly without sin? I found a great site on the net that asks if even Jesus was without sin  

Out on the AP Wire today, results from a five-year University of Texas study about why people have sex.  After surveying 444 adults the researchers came up with a list of 237 reasons why people have sex.  They then surveyed 1559 college students to come up with a ranking.

Here are the top 3 reasons men or women have sex:

1) “I was attracted to the person.

2)  “I wanted to experience physical pleasure”

3) “It feels good.”

In my work with couples I often find myself reminding people of that simple truth: sex feels good.  It can bring pleasure and joy to both partners.  Pleasure is, in fact, healing.  Relationships that embrace pleasure are more fun than ones that run away from pleasure.  Freed from our sex-negative beliefs, it is natural, normal and healthy to want sex, and good sex is one of the most pleasurable experiences known to humans.
BTW, contrary to what you may have heard, men and women have sex for mostly the same reasons - twenty of the top 25 reasons were the same for men and women. Here are a few more from the top 10 for women and men:

“It’s fun”

“I wanted to show my affection to the person”

“I was horny”

“I wanted to express my love for the person”

“I was sexually aroused and wanted the release”