“The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.” - Albert Ellis

This week Dr. Albert Ellis died. You may never have heard of him or met him, but Dr. Ellis most certainly changed your life. In the 1950’s Dr. Ellis broke away from traditional pschology practices and created what became known as Cognitive (CBT) or Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). In other words, Dr. Ellis championed the practice of using your thoughts to “heal” your mental habits, your internal rules, that create depression, and other “mental illness”.

Simplistically, Dr. Ellis believed that we are taught certain ways of thinking that don’t serve us very well as adults, that we develop an internal set of rules. We create unrealistic expectations for ourselves - an internal catalog of “shoulds” and “musts” that ultimately hurts our self-esteem. He used to tell people to “stop shoulding on yourself” and to stop “musterbating“. He once said that “neurosis is just a high-class word for whining.”
Some common ways that we can tell if we’re driving ourselves crazy, include:

1. Awfulising: using words like ‘awful’, ‘terrible’, ‘horrible’, ‘catastrophic’ to describe something - e.g. ‘It would be terrible if …’, ‘It’s the worst thing that could happen’, ‘That would be the end of the world’.
2. Cant-stand-it-itis: viewing an event or experience as unbearable - e.g. ‘I can’t stand it’, ‘It’s absolutely unbearable’, I’ll die if I get rejected’.
3. Demanding: using ’shoulds’ (moralising) or ‘musts’ (musturbating) - e.g. ‘I should not have done that, ‘I must not fail’, ‘I need to be loved’, ‘I have to have a drink’.

4. People-rating: labelling or rating your total self (or someone else’s) - e.g. ‘I’m stupid/hopeless /useless /worthless.’

The path out of this irrational negativity was to change your thoughts, to see things as they really are, accepting or tolerating frustration and discomfort, accepting “badness” for what it is. Ellis helped people be more realistic, more “real world”, more fact-based, avoiding exaggeration. He helped people focus on the near-term, what was happening now, and to choose the thoughts that helped them find a way to a better now.

Every time you come to a “personal growth workshop“, every time your therapist suggests choosing a new thought, every time you watch Dr. Phil or listen to Dr. Terri Orbuch (the Love Doctor), et. al., you are seeing the legacy of Dr. Albert Ellis. Every time you do an exercise at the end of one of my podcasts, somewhere Dr. Ellis is smiling.

What’s your vision of relationship? Check out David Quigley’s essay about finding your ideal relationship partner by asking about their Vision of Relationship. Then have a listen to my interview with Alissa Kriteman about “Lovership“. Great Stuff!!

Stumbled on this interesting article from Redbook Magazine: 12 Things Men Really Find Romantic, it’s a must-read for men and women looking to heat up a cooling relationship. I agree with the writer; Men want to be touched, played with, flirted with, set free, trusted, teased, wanted and appreciated.

And men, if you’re reading this, here are some great things to ask for from your partner!

Want more? Have a listen to my interview with Alissa Kriteman - Understanding Women, Men and Lovership.

Recently I read a study that claimed that 25% of Americans have no one to confide in. Furthermore, 80% of those surveyed only confide their deepest thoughts to family members. In other words, we are are becoming a nation of isolated people moving in close proximity but not really connecting to the people all around us.

I’m not really surprised. We are behaving towards each other exactly as we behave driving on our highways and freeways. You know, one person per vehicle, whizzing by each other at 70 miles-per-hour, rarely making eye-contact, listening to our ipods or talking on the cell phone, alone and separate but only inches away from other alone and separate people behaving exactly the same.

One thing I’ve learned in life is that the things you practice are the things you get good at. When we practice isolation we get good at isolating. If you want to feel connected you must practice connecting.

Sometimes clients tell me “I want to connect but there isn’t anyone to connect with.” Huh? It seems to me that there are almost 7 billion people on this planet, and apparently most of them are as lonely as you. You have neighbors, check-out clerks at the supermarket, the people who pick up your trash or read your electric meter, the mail carrier, and hundreds of others ready to be approached.

All it takes is the same “playground skills” we began to learn as children. Instead of asking “can I play with you?” just say hello, look into the person’s eyes, and be genuinely curious about that person you are talking to. Assume that the person you are talking to wants to get to know you and wants you to get to know them. It’s fine to start by talking about the weather, but let that “door-opener” lead you to genuinely sharing something a tad more personal - how you are feeling, perhaps?

Practice emotionally reaching out to each fellow lonely human you meet. You will get skilled at what you practice.

Among my “new age” and “liberal” friends being a patriot, loving your country, seems to be considered unenlightened and wrong-headed. To me it’s really about gratitude.I spent a lot of my early life unsatisfied, unhappy and ungrateful. I was unhappy with my home life, I was unhappy with my schooling, I was unhappy with the way I believed my country was being mismanaged. In my young opinion, my country was run by war-mongering, unethical people. The war in Viet Nam was unconscionable. I protested, I marched, I petitioned, I sang Country Joe McDonald’s 1-2-3 What Are We Fighting For. I cheered Martin Luther King and made excuses for the Black Panthers.Now, don’t misunderstand me, I still think our participation in Viet Nam was wrong, and I’m no fonder of how the country is currently being run than I was then. What’s changed is my personal attitude. I’ve adopted an attitude of gratitude. I’m proud and grateful to live in a nation that actively struggles to promote freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom to pursue one’s own path. In my country I am free to start my own business, to start my own school, to start my own religion, to start my own political party. In my country I’m free to follow almost any path I choose.In my country there is an almost unlimited access to the thoughts and opinions of anyone who cares to make their thoughts and opinions known. In my country I’m free to love who I love and how I love. In the past month I watched parades celebrating Gay Pride, Lesbian Pride, Transgender Pride. I’ve seen an Indian Pow Wow and even attended a Pet parade. This month I’ll watch parades celebrating our nation’s birth.

So Happy BirthdayAmerica. I’m grateful to be part of our unfolding destiny.