Goodbye My Friend
Looking back, it seems to me that I had a really long emotional adolescence, stretching from the time I was twelve until I was in my late thirties. My alcoholic father was and wasn’t a role model for the man I wanted to be. He taught me a lot about how not to be, but gave me no model and no path to become the man I hoped to be. So I mostly faked it. I watched lots of Hollywood movies and then pretended to be a suave, urbane, witty, man-of-the-world. I built a great outside to hide my scared-little-kid inside.
I lived my life recreating my relationship with my Dad with every new boss, and recreating my parents’ dysfunctional marriage in my first two marriages. Each job began with me creating a pseudo-father-son relationship with my boss, then finding fault with my boss, then feeling unseen or unacknowledged, then, ultimately quitting the job or getting fired, feeling like a failure and even more of a fake. Ugh! Each marriage was another attempt to prove to myself I was grown up, and to have a wife who would “save” me from my loneliness and fear of being discovered as the fake I knew myself to be. Ugh, ugh!!
I met Stan Dale in 1988 when my second wife and I attended a weekend workshop offered by HAI (the Human Awareness Institute) titled “What is Sex? What is Love? What is Intimacy?” (now known as the Love, Intimacy and Sexuality workshop, level 1). I loved the workshop (so much so that I now lead this, and all the other HAI workshops). I didn’t really like Stan, however. He was too self-assured, too smooth-voiced, too “preachy” for my tastes.
It wasn’t until my third HAI workshop that I really “got” Stan. I was sharing my pain about my Dad and my childhood when Stan asked me “When are you going to let your Dad off the hook?” I got instantly enraged. Off the hook? My Dad beat me, humiliated me, ignored me, tormented me. Off the hook? My pain felt so deep I couldn’t conceive of a me that was free of it. And Stan, who barely knew me, had asked the question I most needed to be asked in that moment.
Somehow, and I really can’t remember exactly how, Stan helped me embrace the thought that my Dad wasn’t very well suited to the job of raising me. He was ill-equipped to meet my needs. So I fired him. I let go of my belief that there was something he could do or say to make me whole. Over time I came to see that I was a better Dad than my Dad was and subtly began to lovingly give my Dad the very things I had wanted him to give me. When my Dad died in 1995 I felt complete with him and knew that I loved him and he loved me. And Stan taught me how to find that love.
For the past 19 years I’ve had the great good fortune to have Stan Dale as a friend, teacher and mentor. For 19 years he has treated me with dignity, respect, kindness, compassion, honesty, and love. Much of who I am today I learned by paying attention to Stan. He taught me how to be the man I was pretending to be, and how to be so much more. There aren’t words enough to express my gratitude.
My friend Stan Dale died Friday June 8, 2007.
Marie Altman said,
June 13, 2007 @ 2:57 pm
Dear Chip,
This blog took me immediately to me and my mother. When will I let her off the hook? I needed the nudge I just got. And to give her what I want from her. Yes, I´ve done those, and I need to do it again and then again.
Thank you for your focus on love,
Marie
Melinda Anderson said,
June 14, 2007 @ 12:50 pm
I also knew Stan for many years and I found that Stan was an amazingly real man - loving & silly - strong & sweet - generous & wise - with a huge capacity to love people. He taught me so much about how to love myself & others unconditionally. I miss him already.
Steve said,
June 14, 2007 @ 2:09 pm
I saw Stan once, at the HAI Holiday party in 2006. I’ve heard many stories, but mostly I’ve just seen his work.
HAI is a community of people that accept me unconditionally. Whenever I risk, whenever I take a chance to step out, whenever I share my doubts, my vulnerabilities, whenever I ask for help or support, whenever I’m feeling lonely or unloved, whenever my inner child says in a little voice, “Here I am”. I am accepted and even cheered for. “I know you, your just like me.”
I don’t know Stan, but I’ve seen the house that he built and it’s filled with love. What a wonderful legacy.
Steve
Renee Lafayette said,
June 14, 2007 @ 3:47 pm
Dear Chip,
Thank You for your loving insightful words
on Stan.I never got a chance to meet him
but,I have been forever changed by his vision of a better world.Hugs, Renee
Yvonne Devine said,
June 14, 2007 @ 6:07 pm
Dear Chip, Thank you so much for your insightful words. Coming so soon after the death of my ex-husband, who was also a huge part of my life, Stan’s death left me feeling sad and hollow. But, as I remember the fabulous lunch date I had with him last summer, other times I spent with him, and so many wonderful workshops with him, I remember his loving compassion, kindness, huge heart and –oh God, how to describe such a amazing person!!!??? — he was the very heart of love for me and so many of my dear friends — most of whom I wouldn’t even know if I hadn’t met them through his workshops!!!! So many memories ….He is missed. Love, Yvonne
Marilyn said,
June 15, 2007 @ 12:45 pm
Dear Chip,
Thank you so much for beautifully sharing your relationship with Stan. Your words reminded me that I have not completely let my Dad “off the hook” and as a result I’m still carrying baggage for a ship that has long since sailed. Thank you for the reminder, and thank you for being the wonderful loving man that you’ve become. Stan’s influence on you shows up in a very big way. Love, Marilyn
Julia Carol said,
June 15, 2007 @ 4:52 pm
Thanks Chip, for sharing your experience and how Stan affected you. I’ll forever be grateful to Stan and Helen for beginning HAI and for their tenacious dedication to HAI and the HAI mission statement.
My favorite time with Stan was when he and Janet were in Grass Valley for the Intro (Fri. night) and PTI (Sunday) that Roland and I organized… so Saturday was off, and Stan, Janet and Melinda A. and I went to the Celtic Festival. While Janet and Melinda went shopping and wandering, Stan and I sat under a tree in the shade and did people-watching… for an hour or two? We laughed at the little kids and made up stories about the people we saw and made up accents and got into our inner children. That was way fun!
So back to you Chip — I love the man you are, so I also thank Stan for any part he played in creating the space for you to find the You that you have become. Stan and Helen will be remembered for a very very long time. I love ya’ll.
Elizabeth Henley said,
June 17, 2007 @ 5:19 pm
Chip,
Thank you for this lovely tribute. I can’t think of a way to honor a man more than by saying that he was your role model for a father and helped you to make peace with your own father. Having gone through a lot of hell with my mother for many, many years–and not letting her off the hook either–I really understand. And, I did make peace with her before she died, thank goodness!
I feel gratitude, deeper than I can ever express, for this wonderful organization known as HAI that Stan founded. My life is much better and richer than I could ever have imagined as a result of doing the workshops and becomeing part of the community.
Last night I was part of a small group of people who remembered Stan in our own way. He has touched and radically changed many, many lives in so many ways! As someone above said, “What a legacy!”
Thanks for sharing your story so beautifully.
Elizabeth
Rie said,
June 18, 2007 @ 1:12 pm
Thanks Chipper, Hugs
Dave Gordon said,
June 18, 2007 @ 2:00 pm
I’m happy for your experience with Stan and the overwhelming various impacts that he has had on your life, which include no less than the relationship you have with your wife and children, the choices and types of relationships you pursue with your community, and your very career and purpose.
I too, have much to thank Stan for. HAI has been and continues to be cathartic for me in nearly every moment. I see myself making choices much differently, being much more loving and compassionate and living to a higher standard than I ever had before starting my work with HAI more than a decade ago. I see my friends and lovers coming almost entirely from within the HAI community.
Stan had been a faciliator in some of my workshops as well as a personal coach and counselor to me in times of difficulty. Now with his passing, I feel him so clearly present in my awareness. There was in fact a night last week where I could actually feel his coaching and his beautiful voice guiding me through the entanglement and lure of my stories to make a clear and defining decision to act. The ramifications of that decision went on to immediately change the lives of no less than 10 others. And his truth and encouragement will live in me every moment of my life from here on out. And I commit to growing his love and the spirit of his truths in everything I do.
Dave
Steve Brown said,
June 19, 2007 @ 5:34 pm
Thanks Chip. I found out just today (6/19) that he’d died. He was an extraordinary human being who listened carefully and spoke directly to the heart of many people, me included, with compassion, love, and insight that often seemed simply miraculous.
I’ll miss him, and yet when I found out I felt both grief and blessing. The grief was about me, the blessing seemed to come directly from his spirit - more than anyone I’ve ever known I believe he simply walked in peace and joy to whatever happened next. Shalom
Kumar Kelly said,
June 19, 2007 @ 8:47 pm
PLEASE NOTE: THE INCIDENT DESCRIBED HEREIN, WHILE VERY BEAUTIFUL, IS KUMAR’S EXPERIENCE AND DOES NOT REPRESENT OR DESCRIBE ANY EXERCISE IN ANY WORKSHOP THAT I AM ASSOCIATED WITH.
Chip August
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Here’s the text of a letter I sent Stan 9 months ago…
A LIFE OF SERVICE AS AN INTERN OF STAN DALE
Santa Barbara, mid-1980’s workshop, a group of eighteen people crammed into a tiny room with four interns…
Stan was carrying love to Santa Barbara. The group was resistant and yet Stan, ever confident, kept on pushing gently yet fatherly, sure of his web of traveling love. We interns were older, more experienced, fatter and definitely not Santa Barbara physical culturalists.
Stan had divided the group into Gangs of Four. Stan looked over the room of people touching and the interns all started to glow in the magically created space. I remember thinking, Stan you are not a part of my life, you are my life. Out of this I created connection and “learned” people.
Stan’s gaze turned to the right and his hand motioned to me. I moved slowly towards him. “Do you want to be of service? Stan asks. Yes, I say. Stan continues, “There is a woman over there with beautiful pendulous breasts and brown vibrant areolas”. Of course I’ve noticed, I think to myself. Stan says, “She is a new mother and away from her child and has asked for an intern to suckle and relieve the pressure in her breasts.“ I look at Stan and smile, You’ve got your man. I had heard her sharing verbally yet I sheepishly presented myself. Urgently trying to maintain the mandatory eye contact, we negotiated.
Picture a 275 pound man (with an erection) in Kim’s lap, being rocked while suckling on her nipples, my heart chakra energy mixing with tears, not giving or taking but a closed circuit of love. There was no difference in giving or receiving. In spite of the great sadness and drama of my childhood, I realized that I can create love. I laughed later about service, service, service yet we both sensed how deep the need in Kim and I was healed.
Later in the workshop, in clearing in a small group (and trying to set up a punchline) I shared that my sexual feelings reacting to her beauty were secondary to my heart. And she interrupted and said boldly while laughing, “sure”. And yet another lesson learned on how to integrate sex and my heart.
I have lived well and I love you.
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PLEASE NOTE: THE INCIDENT DESCRIBED HEREIN, WHILE VERY BEAUTIFUL, IS KUMAR’S EXPERIENCE AND DOES NOT REPRESENT OR DESCRIBE ANY EXERCISE IN ANY WORKSHOP THAT I AM ASSOCIATED WITH.
Chip August
Sex, Love, and Intimacy » I Miss You, Stan Dale said,
June 20, 2007 @ 5:37 pm
[…] Thanks so much for your eloquent and heartfelt words honoring my friend and mentor, Stan Dale. Like you, I also did not start out loving, or even trusting Stan. One of the many things that won me over was his total acceptance of me, including my skepticism. In the nearly 20 years I had the great good fortune to be loved by Stan I learned how to be a man, how to be a father, how to be a lover. I am forever grateful for the love we shared. […]
Sex, Love, and Intimacy » Another Sweet Tribute to Stan Dale said,
June 27, 2007 @ 11:33 am
[…] Monday night 1000 of us gathered in San Francisco to celebrate the remarkable life of Stan Dale. Watching video clips of Stan talking about his life and work, listening to his sons, hearing reminiscences from his co-facilitators, we all laughed, cried and celebrated the passing of an extraordinary teacher, leader, man. […]
Doc Searls said,
June 27, 2007 @ 8:34 pm
Stan, of course, changed my life.
And you, Chip, introduced me to him. And to HAI. And thereby to my wife (still married, now 16 years). And to so many more good people, useful wisdom, good times, love and more.
I’m sorry we’ve all seen so little of each other over the years since.
But I appreciate you, Stan, and the HAI folks no less.
Peace and love on you all.
Doc
Paul said,
June 28, 2007 @ 2:15 pm
For everyone,
I just chanced on this site and read through what Chip and others have been saying - I’ve spent today feeling miserable and I can’t say that I’m suddenly happy… but I feel warmed, comforted to know that there are people like Stan out there who is enriching the lives of those around him. In my eyes, his legacy is the most noble a man can leave.
Felicia W. said,
June 29, 2007 @ 8:19 am
Thanks, Chip, for putting into words what so many of us felt and knew about Stan. He was a man who changed hearts and lives of people all across the world, and I was blessed to travel with him and experience him doing his magic. I loved watching your relationship with him, how you loved and cared for him in a very special way, how he trusted you as a colleague and a son. Thanks for the tribute, and the memories!
Nancy Olson said,
June 29, 2007 @ 8:35 am
Stan loved me up when I wasn’t loving myself. He kissed my scars and asked me not to try and stop crying because my tears wash us clean. Stan held me in the pool in Maui and wanted to know all the wonderful details of a new love and shared my “new relationship” excitement. Stan’s love was one of honor, respect and given with no strings. I choose love to be the guiding force in my life because that’s what Stan would ask me all the time, “Where is the love?” Thanks for your words, Chip, my dad and mom are still “on the hook”, and I will sit with that and see what comes up for me. It is a burden. Maybe it’s time to set them free. I’ll have a chat with Stan.
peace and love, nanc
Claire Schrader said,
July 2, 2007 @ 7:48 am
Dear Chip
Many many thanks for writing this about Stan.
Like you I didn’t get Stan at first. There was something incongruous about the smooth radio voice which should have been on a commercial radio station - not speaking words of love and compassion. It wasn’t until i was assisting on one of the HAI workshops and met Stan in person that I truly met him. He treated us all equally, there was no distance of difference between us. The distance I had put between me and Stan were my projections. And also quite valid because heads of organisations rarely conduct themselves in this way. There was no loss of respect for Stan because of this - if anything an increase.
Here in the UK Stan is loved both by those of us that knew him and met him, and so many who didn’t. Because what Stan gave us was a structure in which we can relate with love, honesty and integrity with others in totally unique ways - which only those who have participated in HAI will understand. Stan has made a tremendous difference to my life and he is a role model for me of how a man, a father, and leader can be.
love Claire
elizabeth catherine nichols said,
July 2, 2007 @ 1:21 pm
dear chip,
Stan gave you a lot, i can feel that and i can feel him through the work he has taught, even though not directly to me. You however gave me something very special. You let me stand in front of all and even though it took time, remained present and focused on guiding me through to a place of healing. You knew how deeply my husband’s suicide had affected my core. None of this healing would have been possible without Stan. I do feel envy that i never met him but i am a much happier person because of the seed he planted. I have had many moments since his death of contemplation and gratitude which has connected my heart to my hai experiences and the one heart we all are.
Greg said,
July 2, 2007 @ 6:41 pm
I have never met Stan in person. For that I feel sad. I will have to look to those who knew Stan to see more of him.
honda-radio said,
February 15, 2008 @ 4:20 am
Thx!
Dan M. said,
March 28, 2008 @ 7:20 pm
Chip,
Your story of when Stan said, “When are you going to let your Dad off the hook?” is beautiful. It speaks to the very core of Stan’s wisdom and what he was trying to tell us all. I love you for taking up the torch of this vision and for doing it so very well.
Love,
-d
sonson said,
January 4, 2009 @ 7:20 pm
greatings
wonderful