I was talking about relationships with Alissa Kriteman the other day. Alissa has a great pod cast and blog on the Personal Life Media Network called “Just For Women”. We were both struck by the seeming vacuum of self-help information for people who are somewhere between just-beginning-to-date and committed-to-a-relationship.

Alissa referred to them as in “lovership”. What my mother might have called “seeing each other”. There are shelf-loads of books about how to locate, invite and impress dates. More shelves of books on building and maintaining the perfect relationship. But what about coaching for the in-betweens? Hardly a word.

Here are three guidelines for lovers: First, I coach lovers to have honest, open communication. Simply put, tell the truth. Too much of what passes for politeness or romance is really just covert lying – withholding any thought that might not contribute to fooling this person into another date. I love Dr. Susan Campbell’s advice – “do not waste valuable time and energy wishing things were different, assigning blame, trying to be right, or manipulating people”, use your time to be in “learning” mode, “pay attention to what is actually happening (instead of what you think should be happening), then you are fully available to respond creatively and appropriately in each moment.”

My guideline number two would be: Own your body, own your genitals, own your sexuality. No one ever owes sex to anyone. No one has any rights over your sovereign self but you. Sounds deceptively simple, but I notice how rarely people take full responsibility for their own experience. IMO, the only person who can give you an orgasm is you. The only person responsible for how, when and where you use your genitals is you. Its great to make agreements, as long as we remember that all agreements are negotiable.

My third guideline is also pretty simple. No pain…no pain. Pleasure is healing. Laughter is every bit as important as honesty and responsibility. I recently interviewed Marilyn Kurland, author of “Everlasting Matrimony: Pearls of Wisdom from Couples Married 50 Years or More.” One pearl I gleaned was the importance of liking each other, of forgiving each other, of enjoying each other. Life is relatively short, suffering is optional, so steering a joyful course seems sensible to me.

I’ll keep thinking about this. Perhaps you will too. Feel free to add a comment with your ideas about “lovership.”