On my podcast, as I talk to the “experts” about relationships I’ve been hearing a lot of conversation about honesty and truth-telling in relationships. And, equally I’ve been hearing the suggestion that, maybe, there’s entirely too much talking, processing, arguing going on. How can one learn to tell the truth, but not talk the truth to death?

As I try to figure out what to say and what to keep to myself I’m usually guided by the idea that anything I’m afraid to say to my partner I must say to my partner. Each week we actually set aside time to “say the thing you can’t say” to each other. Each of takes a turn telling the other every thought or feeling we felt uncomfortable or afraid to say. And we share the point of view that there is always something, so no one gets to “pass”.

On the other hand, we do not process what we share. I find it very detrimental to a loving relationship to go searching for the answer to “why?”

Talk actually gets in the way of intimacy. Everyone knows how to hide in words. It’s not very difficult to get quite adept at building arguments and debates, but our hearts are really wanting hugs and cuddles. We strive to understand WHY – Why did you say that? Why am I feeling this? Why don’t I like that? Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t I learn this as a child? Why? Why? Why?

As if understanding, comprehension, analysis is the goal. But understanding is often the consolation prize, that useless toy that game shows give to the losers. And analysis often creates paralysis. In science and engineering it is often useful to search for causality (this is so because that is so), in the affairs of the human heart it is often useless. Or maybe worse than useless, causal thinking can interfere with intimacy.

I guess both talking - being honest and open and telling the truth…

and not-talking - replacing the processing and explaining with hugging and holding…

are both the parts of the anatomy of a great relationship!