Tonight (and every night), just before you go to sleep think of three good things that happened today. What role did you have in making them happen? What made them good? Is there a lesson for you in these three good things that happened?

There is scientific evidence that this exercise will probably make you feel happier in your life. Dr. Martin Seligman of the University of Pennsylvania is an expert in what he calls “Positive Pschology” and has a great website called Authentic Happiness.

Seligman defines happiness as: “(a) positive emotion and pleasure (the pleasant life); (b) engagement (the engaged life); and (c) meaning (the meaningful life).” His research suggests “that people reliably differ according to the type of life that they pursue and, further, that the most satisfied people are those who orient their pursuits toward all three, with the greatest weight carried by engagement and meaning.”

Using online surveys, Seligman is building a body of evidence that your experience in life is not necessarily the result of events and circumstances rather it is the result of your thoughts about your circumstances. Change your thoughts, you change your experience.

Selgman suggests another useful exercise to increase a person’s overall happiness is to take an inventory of your character strengths (he’s got a 24 question inventory on his web site) and to use one of strengths in a new and different way every day for one week. In other words, pay attention to what you are good at. As I’ve often said, what you focus on is what grows (what you resist persists and what you embrace transforms).

Remember, you deserve happiness beyond all measure. Everyone does.

I’m involved in several email lists and I notice that list users behave is if they have the right, no the obligation, to offer unsolicited advice, feedback and criticism. Someone posts an email stating their feelings of separation and loneliness and shortly there are replies suggesting all the ways that the poster’s thinking is the problem, his attitude needs adjusting, his negativity is at fault.

In my counseling practice I often meet couples who feel no compunction about criticizing each other at will. People often behave as if there is an unwritten rule that permits partners to criticize at will. “I’m only telling the truth.” “Isn’t honesty the best policy?” “Can’t you see I’m trying to be helpful?”

As a psychiatrist friend of mine once said (earthily) “A fart is a completely honest expression but I don’t want one in my face!”

Criticism is corrosive. Criticism corrodes trust. It corrodes intimacy. It can create the opposite of intimacy.

When I offer unsolicited suggestions I imply that I know more or better than you, that you are less than me. I’m not convinced that any person is less than any other person. And I’m constantly amazed at the different ways we are, each of us, very wise. While differently abled, we are remarkably equal, especially in the realms of love, intimacy and sexuality.

Often we criticize from apparently loving motives. We think we are “helping” our partner/lover/mate. Keeping our partner from “making a mistake,” or appearing “foolish,” or “improving” him/her.

I like to think that life is very much like playing jazz - there is no such thing as a mistake, only consequences - both intended and unintended. And I notice there is value in both kinds of consequences. Stopping my partner from making mistakes seems to me to be akin to trying to stop my partner from growing and learning - a bad plan.

Trying to keep my partner from appearing “foolish” and hoping to “improve” my partner, while laudable goals in concept, are impossible in practice. Either my partner is, in fact, a fool. In which case there is little I can do to change that. Or my partner is not a fool, in which case I’m doing a disservice to my partner, undervaluing my partner, and, in a not so subtle way, demeaning my partner.

The next time you’re tempted to criticize a loved one I suggest you notice if it’s your own internal critic busting your own chops that is motivating you to “fix” your lover/friend/partner. If yes, time to do some mirror work. If not, time to look at a quick cost-benefit analysis. What is the cost of criticism - loss of intimacy, loss of trust? What’s the benefit- hmmm, what is the benefit?

All too often I find myself listening to some internal voice telling me I’m not good enough, or I don’t do enough, or I didn’t try hard enough, or I’m just not enough. This internal critic has been with me for as long as I can remember. As I write this I think it sounds like the voice of my father and the words it says are definitely a version of the criticism I heard throughout my childhood. A version of those criticisms that seems to get constantly updated and added to as long as I’m alive.

It’s not hard to imagine how I developed such a voice. I grew up in a middle class family, the middle child of five kids, with a larger-than-life, charismatic, opinionated, hypercritical, alcoholic father and a working mother who was/is very smart, extraordinarily organized and constantly on the edge of overwhelm (usually expressed by screaming, crying, and hitting). Both parents loved me, and both believed that one way to ensure that your children excelled was to regularly remind then that they were going to have to work a lot harder if they expected to amount to anything.

Added to my parents near constant expressions of disappointment in me were my school teachers regular habit of pointing out my shortcomings. This is meant as no disrespect. I think my teachers thought that pointing out children’s shortcomings and recommending ways to overcome those shortcomings was their job. Add in a fairly typical assortment of youthful insecurities about my body, my looks, my attractiveness, etc., and it’s small wonder that I developed an internal critic.

I liken that critical voice to having a radio station in my head. I sometimes imagine that a satellite was launched for me at my birth and now it is constantly overhead, beaming my radio station of unending criticism directly into my brain. I call this station KFUK – All Criticism All The Time.

Over the years I’ve tried a number of techniques to quiet or even silence KFUK. I’ve tried blowing up the satellite (in my imagination, of course). When that failed KFUK got louder (“Can’t even do that right, huh? Loser”) I’ve tried telling it to stop, asserting that I’m in charge, arguing with the messages, and a whole lot more. All to no good effect.

So, one day I started to think about what benefit there is for me in having KFUK. What’s the payoff that has me continue to listen? I began to see that there are times in my life when having an internal critic has, in fact, been useful. Times when KFUK helped me regain my temporarily misplaced humility, or reminded me to proof my work, or helped me decide to seek outside help. Maybe blowing up KFUK isn’t such a great idea.

When I thought about what my critic was trying to achieve it seemed to me that either my critic was trying to hurt me or trying to help me. I’m pretty sure I’m not psychotic (though I’m definitely not “normal”) so I can’t really embrace the idea that there’s a part of my personality that’s actively trying to hurt another part of my personality. If my critic is trying to help me, to what end? And then it came to me: My critic wants me to be perfect so I’ll be lovable! KFUK is a voice I listen to hoping I can correct my “flaws” and character “defects” so I can be worthy of receiving love.

I know that I am already worthy of and deserving of love. I’ve taught this to tens of thousands of participants in my workshops. Everyone deserves love. It’s our birthright. Every child born deserves love. And we were all born.

I figured out that what I must do is launch a second satellite: KLUV – All Love All The Time. When I find myself listening to KFUK and not enjoying it, I can just change the channel. It is just like listening to my car radio, not liking the song that’s on and pushing the button to switch to a different station. I don’t need to destroy the “bad music” station. And I don’t need to listen in suffering silence either.

Given that listening to and internalizing criticism is what created KFUK’s playlist, I decided that telling myself “Chip I really love you.” would be an excellent way to begin to program KLUV. I said “Chip I really love you” to me (aloud) every day in a mirror for a month. Later I added in more programming: “I deserve happiness beyond all measure.” “I do enough, I have enough, I give enough, I am enough.” “I am beautiful.” “I’m the best me that ever existed.”

I still listen to KFUK now and then. Mostly out of habit. And its kind of like watching those daytime soap operas. Even if I don’t tune in for months, within minutes of listening I get caught up right away. And when I’ve had enough I change the channel.

The other day my daughter wanted to tell me the entire plot of The Princess Bride…again. I’ve read the book. We’ve watched the movie together. I bought her the DVD. She knows that I know the story.

I could respond by reminding her that I’ve seen it, read it, know it. At which point her eyes will well up with tears, she’ll get very quiet, far away. So, what’s really going on here?

Last night, as we were watching TV, my wife asked me to tell her the time. No big deal, except…right below the TV is a VCR that displays the time. And odd as it may seem, I’m one of those guys who knows how to program the clock on our VCR. The time displayed 8 inches below the TV screen is, in fact, accurate.

I could respond by reminding her that the clock is right there in front of us, as easy for her to see as for me. At which point her eyes will well up with tears, she’ll get very quiet, far away. So, what’s really going on here?

Tonight we’re playing Parcheesi, my daughter, my wife and me. There’s teasing, yelling, tears and laughter. We’re viciously pursuing winning at any cost. Our usually loving, caring family unit has turned into an every-person-for-themselfpack of Parcheesi sharks.

I could respond by reminding everyone that, in our home we treat each other with kindness and respect. At which point their eyes will roll, the laughter will dry up and everyone will get quiet, far away. So, what’s really going on here?

I have a theory that almost every conversation can be deconstructed to mean either “Do you love me?” or “Do you know I love you?” We reach out to each other with the most effective tool we have, our words. But it’s too risky to just put your love out there. What if it’s spurned? What if the person we’re emotionally reaching out towards pushes away? So we send out “trial balloons“.

If we knew that each of those odd little missives were cries for love would we hear them differently? Would we bark out a sharp retort, or, perhaps, smile sweetly and say “You know, right in this moment, I really love you.”

I’ve come to the conclusion that every question asked of each other can be decoded as “Do you love me?” and/or “Will you continue to love me?” and/or “Do you know I love you?”

For example, we are sitting quietly in the living room reading the Sunday paper. Suddenly, out of the blue, she asks me what time it is. She can see I am not wearing a watch and I am not sitting near the clock. We have no plans for the day.

I get irritated. “I don’t have any idea what time it is, why don’t you get up and find out for yourself”, I say, my voice dripping ice. “Gee, you don’t have to be like that, I was just asking the time,” she says. “Well why ask me, you can see I don’t have a watch on,” I respond quickly. In minutes we are having a low-level spat.

Why?

Because her question really meant “I was having a tiny twinge of insecurity and needed an excuse to reach out to you. Do you love me?” Because every question, every time we reach out towards the other, for what appears to be a superficial reason, really means “Do you love me?” and/or “Will you continue to love me?” and/or “Do you know I love you?”.

And my question, in response to her question, really meant “Do you love me?” and/or “Will you continue to love me?” and/or “Do you know I love you?” Forgetting to decode that she was asking me to reaffirm our connection, I got irritated and then I needed to reaffirm our connection. My answer really meant, “I was having a twinge of not feeling honored or respected and now I need to reassure myself that you love me. But that’s too vulnerable right now so here comes my sarcasm to hide behind.”

If I knew that every question, every time we reach out towards the other, for whatever superficial reason, really means “Do you love me?” and/or “Will you continue to love me?” and/or “Do you know I love you?” then I might have answered her “You really love me don’t you?” And she might have said, “Yes, yes I do very much.” And I might have said, “I love you, too.” And probably neither of us would have worried about the time.

I was interviewing my friend Stan Dale for my podcast - Sex, Love & Intimacy - and he said that everyone was an angel. Looking in the dictionary Stan found that the word “angel” comes from the Greek word for messenger (angelos). Stan thinks that every human being is a messenger of love.

Whenever I have occasion to be in a hospital I like to visit the baby nursery area and look at those beautiful beings so full of life. Each baby is perfect. Just looking at them I find myself smiling. I can clearly see that every child born is essentially an angel.

Then life happens. We grow up (hopefully). We learn “the rules“. The rules for getting along in our family. The rules for getting along in school. The rules for getting dates, getting kissed, getting loved, getting by. And somewhere in all that learning we forget that we are messengers of love. And we forget that everyone around us are also messengers of love.

At some point in our life most of us begin to believe that love is a scarce commodity. We search for “the one” that will fill our life with love. And when we think we’ve found that one we hold on tight, hoping we can make love stay.

I believe in love. I love being in relationship with my one special someone, my life partner, my lover, my mate. And I sincerely wish that everyone who wants it could find what I have everyday with my sweetie.
I know that what I practice is what I get good at. I think one reason that my partner and I are so happy is that we practice loving. I’ve taken Stan’s words to heart and I do my best to see everyone I meet as a messenger of love. I don’t fall in love with everyone, I rise in love. I take it as a matter of faith that if I just open my heart to each and every person in my life my life gets filled with love.

All around me people are sharing their love. All around me people are receiving my love. All around me are angels. All around you are angels. And just like Stan says - you are an angel.