As a relationship coach, many of my clients request coaching on how to ask for what they want from their lovers. A very powerful technique I love to use (which is also outlined in more detail in my book Living your Dreams) is called the Acknowledgment Sandwich.

Here is how the Acknowledgment Sandwich works:

1) Acknowledge the person for something
This can look many ways. Whether the person you have a request for is an all around great person and you want to thank them for that, or you have something specific you want to acknowledge them for, here is where you start. Thank them for something, this opens their heart a bit. This must be authentic, heartfelt and relatively recent. Let them know the impact what they did had on your life. It is best to hold hands and make sure it is an appropriate time and you have his attention.

“Honey, I really appreciated it when you gave me a back rub last week without me asking, I really felt great all week.”

2) Ask for what you want.
Be direct and clear. Don’t beat around the bush, be vague and act as though you are not worthy to ask for what you want. You are totally worthy, go ahead and ask with a smile and your full, juicy, deserving heart.

” I want to ask you something”
(again, make sure you have his attention and he is not in the middle of something)
” I would love it if you move the boxes in the garage so they are not blocking the door to the backyard. I would feel safer if they were somewhere else.”

3) Thank him/her for listening to the request.
Give the person sufficient time to fulfill on the request. If they say no - renegotiate. See what would work for that person. If done properly, most people are motivated to act when they know there is a need and they can make a difference in the life of someone they love.
“Thank you honey, I appreciate you hearing me and doing what it takes for us to have a safe home environment.”

Try it out! Let me know how it goes!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

What I want to support you in doing, on this bright, crisp 2nd day of 2008, is getting grounded in making the year ahead an incredible year for you!
Each day this week I am going to offer you some suggestions for getting your energy focused on what you truly desire to create. Today starts with…
1) Get complete with 2007. It will be difficult to move into a great, new year if you are still holding onto or stuck in less-than-stellar feelings, situations, or events that happened last year. One suggestion for putting the past in the past are write it down and burn it! Write down all the disappointments, resentments, judgments, vitriol, venom, nasty stuff that is in your head with wild abandon.

This is for you and your spirit alone to process and complete. Let the “little girl” or “inner child” in you have a voice too (write with your opposite hand) and see what she has to say. By really letting yourself tap into your upset and rage about what did or didn’t happen during the year, you free yourself, your mind, your heart and your precious energy to focus on creating the Best Year of Your Life! Tune into the deeply insightful interview I did with Debbie Ford recently for more understanding on how to create the best year of your life and what might be in the way.

Let yourself really feel the disappointment, sadness, frustration. You can do this with a friend, a group of friends, or alone. Whatever serves you best - but really DO IT!!

Once you feel you have gotten all of the unhappies down on paper, rip the paper into little pieces so you can burn it. I suggest doing this outside, in nature, at the beach if possible so that energy has more room to float away into the ethers where it can be recycled. It can be powerful too, to recite intentions and affirmations as the paper is burning:

“I release all the events of 2007″

“I am happy to let go of all that did not serve me in 2007″

“It feels great to let go of the past”

“I consciously let go of 2007 with love and compassion for myself”

“I release any make-wrong of myself for anything I did not do in 2007″

“I free my self and my mind to create a bright new future for myself”

Saying these statements out loud is a signal to your mind, your spirit, and anything that guides you in your life that you are serious about letting go, loving yourself and MOVING ON.
Tomorrow we discuss Creating 2008!

Have a Blessed Day!

Alissa

Every month I have the distinct joy and pleasure of helping to facilitate an amazing course called the Authentic Man Program offered here in San Francisco. This course serves men by supporting them in seeing what is in the way of their experiencing all the power, strength, self expression and love they know is inside of them, eager to be expressed.

During this life-transforming weekend, consistently one of the results we see is that men get in touch with the core wounds that have been (mostly unconsciously) in the way of them having the life, relationships and love they crave. We see them enter the course in a variety of places; tight, closed, scared, feigning joviality, and straight-up arrogant. So, what does this have to do with WOMEN? A lot.
We as women are not taught the REALITY about who men are (check out Alison Armstrong for more insight). We are taught (usually) or from experience, think that men are dumb, angry, scary, aloof, arrogant, competitive and that all they want is sex. While we see men acting out these ways of being in society, men are SO MUCH more than we know. Men are not taught to express their feelings and emotions, which is why many times they end up tight, closed and angry. Most men have experienced some kind of trauma in their lives and have absolutely no outlet for getting those hurts expressed and healed.
We as women (who deeply want to connect and love our men) have little practical training on how to be with our men when their triggers are activated. What it is important to realize is that there is a sensitive, smart, tender, eager to love and be loved man over there desperately trying to handle his life AND his emotions AND also figure out how to please US all at the same time. How intense!

As empowered women, it is our responsibility to learn who men are and how to effectively hold space for our men when they are being less than stellar with us. Men are really scared sh*tless to tell us what is really going on for them. Men have little experience with crying, collapsing and allowing themselves to feel the range of emotions that pass through them, just as they pass through us.

I see what a little space, understanding and love can do for a man. It is the fuel that he needs to “slay the dragon” and be our hero. WE have the power to elicit that kind of dedication with our dates, lovers and husbands. WE have the power to steer our relationships where we want them to go. We as WOMEN have that power. I say we claim it!

Tell me:
How do you put love on your man?
What do you do to help understand who it is your loving?
When was the last time you and your lover cried together? What is in the way?

I want to hear from you. What do you want to learn about men? What are your most curious questions about men? What do you want to know about what it takes to have a strong, loving, relationship with a man?

The final step in Aymee Coget’s Break Up Formula is Letting Go.

To recap the Steps thus far:
1) Acknowledge the Break Up
2) Accept the Break Up
3) Identify Learning Lessons
4) Express Gratitude for the Learning Lessons

Now we have done a lot of good work here, and it is time to move on. Aymee recommends, in order to fully release the relationship on all levels, you have to perform steps One through Four, otherwise, the effectiveness of Step Five could be compromised.

The Letting Go Exercise:
In the Letting Go step you stand in room by yourself, where you are not going to be disturbed. Close your eyes and cultivate every ounce of pain, worry, resentment, fear, guilt, shame sadness, the relationship has caused. Cultivate that to the surface of your skin, letting it consume every cells of your body.
When you can’t take it anymore, take a deep inhale and at the same time raise your arms up along either side of your body culminating at the top of your head. As you exhale, you press your hands down either side of your body like a human French coffee press all the way until your hands touch the ground. You should feel a shift in your body.

If you feel like there is still residual energy in your system, repeat the process until you feel totally relieved.

By releasing this old energy, you can more easily cultivate self love, self worth, self-esteem, self-acceptance, confidence, happiness, and optimism - feel that in every cell of your body. You have to create a space for this nourishing energy in your body which is why we need to first release the old energy.

Next, cultivate positive emotions of hope, confidence, security, love, acceptance, happiness, etc. until those emotions fill your every cell. Then take another deep breath and raise your hands to the air. Instead of pressing down, visualize accepting these new feelings into your body from top down while pressing your hands down on either side of your body. Visualize the sensations of being “filled” instead of “releasing.”

When I spoke with Aymee she hadn’t yet completed this step. We will have to check in with her in a week or two. Still – that is the quickest, most sane break-up I have ever been privy to. To be honest, I have never seen her “spin out” on charged emotion. She is pretty even keeled even through this intense situation. I am glad we have an empowered woman in our corner.

Check her out, she is available for powerful coaching in how to live a HAPPY LIFE - she walks her talk - that is for sure.
Namaste.

This is Aymee taking a bath in my tub the night after the break up. We lit candles and used the BEST bath crystals on earth (www.abratherapeutics.com) in her bath. Sisters taking care of each other post break up!
To recap Aymee Coget’s Break up Formula thus far:
1) Acknowledge the Break Up
2) Accept the Break Up
3) Identify Learning Lessons

Now we are going to talk about Expressing Gratitude and getting to an authentic place where we truly can offer our “Ex” thanks for the learning lessons. Expressing gratitude is scientifically proven to lead to happiness which is why it is a fundamental component of the Break Up Formula.

The morning after the break up, Aymee sent an email to her “Ex” expressing her gratitude for the learning lessons of their time together (it is possible to have fun, be close, feel at peace and comfortable with a man at a depth she had not felt before, sex life she never dreamed possible, etc.) She also tied up logistical loose ends and expressed desire to transition into friendship when he was ready.

I was amazed at Aymee’s ability to keep clear and stay in touch with the greatness this man had brought into her life even though he was now choosing to walk away. I write about the power in giving gratitude in my book “Four Cornerstone’s to Living your Dreams” as I also understand the joy that comes from offering sincere, heartfelt gratitude for what we had been given and experienced with another. Again, offering forgiveness to ourselves (and thus another) is an essential component to consistently practice if we truly desire to move on from a break up.
Offering gratitude demonstrates maturity, clear mindedness, and your ability to love and honor yourself. When we stay focused on all that we have and can be thankful for, more things to be grateful for flows to us. Luckily it is the same with love. The sooner we get back into a place of love and gratitude, the sooner the next great man will come into our lives to mirror back to us what we are expressing.
Write me a comment. Let me know what YOU think!
Next posting is all about LETTING GO!

To recap Aymee Coget’s Break Up Formula thus far:
1) Acknowledge the Break Up
2) Accept the Break Up

Step 3 is to Identify Learning Lessons. In this stage you create a living list of things you learned about yourself or things you learned about yourself in relationship. Lessons such as learning more about what you need, what your boundaries are, what you realize you really want in a partner, what kind of sex you desire, what kind of things make you feel great (or not), values, things that are non-negotiable, etc. You get the drift.

Aymee learned that it is possible to have fun, be close, feel at peace and comfortable with a man at a depth she had not felt before. She experienced a sex life she never dreamed possible. YES you really can have multiple orgasms and ejaculate over and over and over again. What is also possible, that Aymee discovered was a tantric, energetic connection with her lover that she never experienced before. Now those are some GREAT (hot) lessons if you ask me.

I am starting to see that by staying present to the gifts our relationships with men (or women) provide us, it is much easier to cope with the separation. We always have the choice of what we allow our minds and our thoughts to focus on. It is up to us to focus on the positive, the love, the honoring, the sweetness, the sharing, the passion, the intimacy and the deep vulnerability that orgasm and connection can bring into our lives if we allow that kind of magic in.