Sometimes in my relationship I notice there are things that I want, but I am not asking directly for them. I tend to do most things myself without asking for help and then end up feeling shut down and resentful when I start feeling overwhelmed. Sound familiar?
I started inquiring about this phenomenon. What I see is the idea of “women not asking for what we want” is deeply ingrained into our culture and society. Women are expected to go with the flow, accept what is given and be quiet – thank you very much. Women are usually frowned upon for having strong boundaries and speaking up about what we want, how things feel to us, where our boundaries are – especially if we have any sort of “edge” in our voice when we are asking. It is not an easy position to be in as a woman.
Thankfully, times are changing rapidly and we as women can start practicing how to ask for what we want such that people (ok, with a great focus on the men in our lives) will be inspired to provide it for us. First things first,
KNOW WHAT YOUR NEEDS ARE
Most women I encounter through coaching and facilitating courses are not in touch with their needs and desires. Many women are so accustomed to caring for others, there is a delay in responding to this questioning, and at the extreme, a deflection of being able to say what is really pleasing to them. This is a big red flag. When I find myself getting irritated and overwhelmed, I stop and ask myself – what am I needing right now? When I do this, many times the answer is right there. It is an act of self love and respect to honor ourselves in this way. Then I look a step deeper. Is this something I can provide myself, or is it time to ask for assistance, nurturance, understanding, etc.
When I bring my needs to my man from a place of love and honesty, he can hear me and naturally wants to give me what I am needing in that moment. When I come from a place of “he is wrong for not reading my mind, not noticing the situation, he should be more blah, blah, blah – that is a NO WIN game. Men do not respond well to that kind of communication, as I am sure you have probably experienced!
There are much more productive ways for us to communicate to others, ask for and receive what we desire! One of the tools I love to use is a technique created by Marshall Rosenberg with the Center for Non-Violent Communication:
Here is the four-step model:
1) Observe
Observe what is going on without judgment.
“I notice that when I see dirty dishes in the sink, I get uncomfortable.”
2) Feel
“I feel agitated, sad and defeated.”
3) Need
“I need to know and feel that we are in partnership with keeping common areas clean and tidy.”
Request
“I request that we make sure all dishes in the sink are cleaned after a meal is eaten, unless otherwise agreed upon.”
Using this model has changed my life and has added much love and compassion to my relationship where before there was upset and breakdown. Check out the website for more info and depth on how the model works. Enjoy it!
And for more tools and techniques on how to communicate more effectively, get your copy of my book, Living your Dreams today! There you can also join my newsletter for more updates as well!
