I LOVE interviewing experts who can really open us up to ideas that we may not have considered before. In one of my recent interviews with Dr. Herb Goldberg, he describes a concept called “Authentic Sex” and how not many people are having it or even know that it is an option.
What is Authentic Sex? Well, first Dr. Goldberg says that a lot of the hot sex that goes on in romantic relationships at the beginning is really not about sex at all. He says “it’s really about projecting onto the other person (what is not complete or conscious), to see them as some kind of a rescuer, to fulfill certain needs that they have, and so that triggers a very intense sexual response. But it’s not really authentic sex. It’s defensive sex. It’s not really sex that’s based on two people who have a capacity to make a safe and caring physical connection with each other.”
Woah - Defensive Sex - yikes, that doesn’t sound like much fun, and yet I get it. Ah, the lure of someone coming to rescue us (literally, haha), fulfill a need we have, heal an unconscious wound for us. LOTS of things get in the way of us being present, engaged, giving, loving, kind and generous in our sexual activity - even months or years into the relationship. It seems we tend to use sex as a weapon, a way to (consciously or unconsciously) control or manipulate our partner, a way to try to connect with our partner in leiu of communicating, expressing our true feelings, deepest desires, fantasies, fears, insecurities and vulnerabilities.

So how do we turn the tables on a sex life that might not be the most deeply present, real, connected sex we desire to have? I believe that if we want to have Authentic Sex, we need to be AUTHENTIC LOVERS. We need to have the courage to say, “Honey, I would love it if you would drip warm honey on my neck and lick it off with long slow luscious licks.”

We must give space for our lover’s humanity,

Allow them to have insecurities of their own,

Encourage them to emote,

encourage them to do things outside of the relationship that feeds their soul…

*** I would LOVE to hear YOUR two cents on this: ***

In what ways are you noticing you might be having selfish, disconnected, boundary-less Defensive Sex?
What are some practices you do to be a real, caring, present, Authentic Lover?

How do you encourage heart-opening, raw, honest, connected, Authentic Sex with your lover?

KID BEYOND….

Do you have friends that everytime you see them your heart fills with joy and you just have to run over and give them a big hug?

That is how I feel about my homey Andrew Chaikin (aka Kid Beyond). He is one of the smartest, sassiest, sexiest men I know. Why blog about him? Because he does things with his mouth and vocal cords that I have never seen quite like this before. He is a complete pioneer in the world of vocal percussion. He is a one man band - literally - with his live looping technology (and I love people who utilize technology to WOW the world and raise the consciousness of the planet whilst having a lot of FUN!)

Check him out at the Power to the Peaceful Concert that happened here in San Francisco. Just notice, there are NO other people or instruments working with him. It is a TRIP to see live.

What I love about Andrew is that not only is he an amazing musician and singer, he is also a practicing Buddhist dedicated to being the most conscious, loving being he can be, whilst throwing it down with his super-talented musically inclined kinship. He is the kind of man who has a bold and captivating presence coupled with the softest, deepest, most trusting eyes. Throw in a big, mushy heart and whip-cracking sense of humor and there is a man worth checking out.

If you are single and a little frustrated with maintaining meaningful relationships, consider some of the great insights Francesca Gentille has to offer.

I recently did an interview with the fabulous Francesca and as an empowered woman herself, Francesca ask us as women to do the work necessary before we can really enter into and maintain the kind of love we desire.

This interview was very revealing for me since I could clearly see how in the past, I have moved WAY too quickly (and blindly!) in relationship only to be left massively disappointed when it didn’t work out. We can clearly see where “Crazy in Love” comes from out of this interview, how to detect warning signs that we might be moving a bit too quickly with some very dark blinders on.

Not only is this information great for us to check in with ourselves, but supports us in helping our sisters become aware of the danger signs too, as we know it is sometimes difficult to get through to a woman when she is FALLING in love!
Here are the major keys to stop yourself from FALLING in Love and start to learn to OPEN to Love:

1. S L O W Down
2. Take deep breaths
3. Get more data
4. Get 2nd opinions
5. Know that a worthy man is WILLING to go slow
6. Stay conscious when Red Flags arise – be comfortable in speaking up about them
7. Recognize patterns in dating – is he the same issues, different package?

Please post a comment and let me know what you think! If you really like this interview, go to iTunes and write a 5-star review! Thanks and Namaste.

Do you wish your lover could stand and be present in the face of you having an emotional meltdown?

Do you wish that the guys you dated had more self constraint, ability to tap into where you are at energetically and paid more attention to what you were saying?

Do you long for a man who knows how to take charge and lead you on an amazing adventure of a date?

Well, hope is here AT LAST! Ladies, if you want to meet men who are experienced in all of the ways listed above, get yourself connected to Authentic SF in San Francisco! I got to experience first-hand the kind of transformational work happening with men at a course called “The Authentic Man Program” and let me tell you, GET READY FOR SOME QUALITY MEN!

I promise you, the dating world is going to get A LOT sweeter with these men coming onto the scene. Through a series of amazing exercises facilitated by both men and women, these brave men got to face whatever it is that has been keeping them from being their most solid, yummy, authentic selves. They awaken to unconscious blocks that have had them doing things that turn women off and leave them feeling frustrated and alone.

If you have friend, brother, co-worker, lover, husband, etc. who is desiring to UP his ability to be the MOST Expressed, Sexy, Communicative and ALIVE MAN he can be, send him to AuthenticSF.

Be sure to listen to interviews I did with Decker and Kendra, co-founders of ASF, as well as the Panel of Men interview I did that includes Decker and his profound wisdom.

In my recent interview with the amazing Debbie Ford we talk about our “Shadow” side and how to discover & accept the parts of ourselves that we are rejecting (and thus probably suffering over). We do an exercise from her (must read) book Dark Side of the Light Chasers. Here is a little excerpt from our interview where she asks me what I want people to think of me…
Alissa Kriteman: I want people to think that I’m fantastic, and witty and smart, and charming.

Debbie Ford: Okay. So your shadow would be dumb, boring… , (LAUGHS)…,

Alissa Kriteman: (LAUGHS) Oh, no! We’re really doing it!

Debbie Ford: Yeah! And ordinary.

Alissa Kriteman: Yes.

Debbie Ford: And what have you become? You’ve become fantastic, and witty and charming. You’ve become all these things in order to hide the shadow. So, nobody’s going to say, “Oh! Look at Alissa! She’s boring!” But, it might be that boring is the exact thing that you need, even though you can’t see it. In order to make a life choice that will take you to your greatest expression.”

WOW! I wasn’t expecting THAT! She went on to say the work I/we can do is to embrace those rejected qualities of our selves (dumb, ordinary and boring) so that we are not creating lives out of reaction to avoiding being/feeling them. We are a product of our thoughts, patterns, influences that mostly come from our childhoods. Debbie Ford is doing powerful work to help people see these “dark, shadow” places so they can be embraced, loved, and reintegrated back into our minds in a new way. Then, we can create lives that TRULY inspire us in the core of our beings.

I am totally taking this on - loving my dumb - and will keep you posted on how it is going!

Celebrity funny-man Owen Wilson is all over tabloid magazines this week for his suicide attempt. It is never funny when someone who seemingly “has it all” (close-knit loving family, oodles of money, every opportunity available, at the peak of his career) attempts to extinguish his own life.

Whatever the reasons, it is clear that his soul is crying out for some kind of clarity and new direction. Wilson (or his “people”) have asked “that the media allow me to receive care and heal in private during this difficult time.” Awesome for him/them - they used the word HEAL in such a high profile situation - now that is using the power of his fame to touch the hearts and minds of many.

My hope for him that he is able to have his mind make the jump from confusion to awareness (however it does) in order for him to actually LIVE in peace. I love this excerpt from Tantric, Yogic Buddhist teacher, Kali Ma about living LIFE:
“Even given all the teachings and trainings of all the Dharmas, life is still beyond our control. We have such a great influence, but we are not dancing alone, we are dancing with the most masterful dancer of all, life-itself. Even when we know all the steps, new dances are always been thrown at us, and we must dance the dances that arise. There will still be pain, change, loss and the unexpected. But we can have an enlightened, loving relationship with pain, change, loss and the unexpected.

The most important part of enlightenment and love is the art of letting go. This is how we finally know life and death. Death gives us the courage to let go and experience loss. It is teaching us of the void, of non-existence, of impermanence, of dissolving forms. It is informing us of how to be fully alive by embracing it in all its forms. It is informing us how to love by teaching about death of the self, about the grave commitment that life and loving is, it is informing us of many truths. It is shining the mirror of impermanence on us so that we can love more fully, more completely, with more commitment. In Tantra, awareness of this principle is called, enjoyment without preconception.”
I will dedicate my meditation and yoga practice to Owen’s healing and growth this week. And if you are dealing with depression, sadness, confusion, anxiety, etc. please take the time to get some assistance. You are not alone and there is plenty of loving support available. I, for one, am a great resource - so start reaching OUT while you journey IN.

Namaste.