When I woke up on Sunday morning I felt cranky. I thought it was because I my heart was yearning for the man I am dating ~ who is in the Sierra Mountains training people how to deal effectively with teenagers before they all trek around China. (How totally cool is that!?)

So I decided to go to the beach - alone. I needed some alone time with the ocean and the sand and my spirit. I could have called friends, talked all day, listened to stories and given my input… and avoided feeling the deep sadness that was now welling up in my heart…that I couldn’t really get to the bottom of.

After a chilly dip in the ocean and some time to sink into the warm blanket of sun and sand I wrapped myself in, something broke open. Maybe it was watching the gorgeous little goddesses with their crazy-curled blonde locks squealing with delight at the touch of the frosty ocean tickling their tiny toes. Or maybe it was me feeling the desire to have a wide-eyed, giggly, curious, loving light beam of my own to run up and offer me the riches of the sea she had just discovered.

No, that wasn’t it. Well, that was part of it. But the flood of tears came when I realized I missed my father. I missed talking to him. I missed telling him about my life, my ups and downs and hearing him tell me it was all going to be OK even if he didn’t know how it would be. It has been four years now, but I don’t think you ever really get over losing your parents. Especially if it was sudden and unexpected.

That is how it was for me. I was 3000 miles away, planning a visit that got organized too late when I got “The Call” from my sister. So the next time I saw my father, he was in a casket, without life, without breath and there were no words to comfort me.

So here I am on the beach grieving this deep sadness I didn’t allow myself feel I guess, because here it was coming in waves like the ones glistening in front of me. One realization that made me sad was that my father would not be there to walk with me “down the aisle” - if I have an aisle… For some reason the thought of that really effected me and I let myself feel the devastation of feeling like I had failed. I didn’t know that was even in there.

After a good cry I felt relieved. So many of the experts I interview say that we need to FEEL our FEELINGS and let them go. That the body and mind want to release these emotions and move on to ones that really serve us. That it is the repression of our feelings that cause “dis-ease” and turmoil in our lives. So I cried into my warm salty towel and felt the pain of no longer having the gift of the presence one of my creators.

On the way home, I bought myself an ice cream (a vegan ice cream from Maggie Mudd that is) just like my father would have if he were here. I allowed myself to feel the joy of having healed so much with my father before he passed. I felt the relief of being on the other side of why I was feeling so cranky. I felt at PEACE and in love.