I am learning SO MUCH from all the courses I have taken through out my life - especially the Authentic Woman Experience I was in last weekend. I feel like Luke Skywalker when he finally realizes the FORCE is inside of him and he actually HAS CHOICE over his thoughts and the how he will use this powerful, creative energy inside of him. Thank God/Goddess I feel that way too!

Yesterday I was able to see from a bird’s eye view the “interesting” familial dynamics I grew up inside of that molded and shaped my strong sense of competition, not feeling loved nor accepted by family and my deeply rooted anger (aka mask for sadness and hurt) that has haunted me throughout my life. I am SO happy to be able to talk about this with such calmness and clarity! I feel as though after years of swimming, flailing and almost drowning, I have finally made it to the shore where I can rest in my own self-love and acceptance.
So I call my mother to wish her a Happy Mother’s Day. She got her flowers the day before and we spoke then, but I still felt the need to call her ON THE DAY - if you know what I mean. She is playing with my 1.5 year old niece Lilah, feeding her a cheese sandwich. I feel a twinge of closure and sadness as they laugh together and I feel my guilt for not being closer to Boston to be a part of Lilah’s growing years. I also practice deep breathing as I feel the void of being single.

I notice that Mother’s Day brings up emotions for EVERYONE - not just mother’s. Soon my mother is in tears telling me all the things she should be telling her other children directly. We all (my entire family) serve as sounding boards for all the communications we are too afraid to tell each other directly. Even though we are all aware of it and try not to perpetuate it - it is like an energy field that sucks you in from the word “hello” and holds onto until your heart is pounding and you are so enrolled in what the other person is saying, you are in full agreement at how awful “said” person is being.

As I feel my heart’s pace quicken, I remember to breathe (deeply) and not try to fix anything. I am here to listen. So I do. I offer some suggestions that get shot down and realize it is time for me to get off the phone. I do. I saved myself.

Later I get a call from my sister to who tells me my mother was too scared to tell me that she doesn’t want me to go on vacation with her when I come to Boston to visit this summer. Oh, excuse me ~ was that a knife I just felt slice through my heart? I got off the phone and let myself feel the hurt of my sister’s words.

This is why I live 3,000 miles away. But now I have learned to FEEL my FEELINGS and let that sadness and hurt wash through me lest it get stuck and turn to rage as it has done many times in the past.

I call my mother AGAIN and calmly ask her why she couldn’t tell me the truth when we spoke earlier. She said I was welcome to come with her but then gave me few of her concerns born out of years of living a life of fear and scarcity. I heard her. I did not get upset. I heard the fear she lives in. I loved her “from HER point of view” - something my Tantric Buddhist teacher Kali Ma taught me (www.mahasiddhas.org).

I am not sure when I will go and visit or what me and my family will do together this summer - but I do know that I am no longer willing to stuff my feelings and pretend that some of the perspectives and words directed at me from my family don’t rip my heart out.

I believe I chose my family to learn some deep and profound lessons from in this lifetime. Then the interactions with them become fun and curious to me. Love and compassion are much easier to access when I deal with the feelings in front of me and allow myself to be open, vulnerable, and accepting. My family is my greatest gift, a fertile ground for feeling ALL my feelings, seeing where I get stuck, when and how I close my heart and they provide the biggest opportunity to grow.

I love my mother. She is kind and funny and stronger in spirit than any other person I know. I forgive her for the unconscious ways she hurts me. I have compassion for the life she lived (in the Depression, with polio that left one leg shorter than the other, with an alcoholic father and a mean mother). I choose love.

My sister called while I was writing this to say she thinks I “misunderstood” her yesterday on our call. She wants to talk to me. Ah, communication. That feels better. I am glad to be able to use this FORCE inside of ME (that is inside of YOU) for good, growth, love and connection. It wasn’t always that way - and we KNOW what happened to Darth…..we do have choice. My light saber is down - and off.  Where is yours I wonder?